No darling, things like that, do happen.

I sit here at my desk in the middle of Irvine in some God forsaken easy up building typing words into the internet wondering why, why can't we just get some decent weather, decent waves and decent sandbars. This spring has been less than exciting and I'm over it. Today is day three out of the water and I'm considering plans for another fake transatlantic trip just to throw off the balance of the universe in hopes of the off chance it'll bring us another perfect day to talk about instead this shitty wind and rain.

Good day.

19 episodes of Prison Break and hummus nachos.

After a bad week of rain, wind, Laker loses, resignations and general lameness, I come out three sessions behind, well four if you count today, because I'm not going; I'm tired, my leg hurts, I have an early meeting and besides, it's way too blue out there this morning.

34/32 - Contest Overview

Got out there today. Too much party yesterday - so tired...

Tough day for me. I surfed on the wrong board, but that wasn't the problem. I just surfed really shitty, on edge, sketchy and not a lot to offer. Yeah, I'd like to make excuses… The truth is that I don't know why I surfed like that, I have no excuses. It was still a super fun day with probably the best waves that we saw all year on our little gimmick tour. My 5th versus Jay's 3rd are not representative of how we surfed. Jay surfed very solid but, but in the end I think he was handicapped by his 2.5 move repertoire as it seemed the judges eventually got tired of seeing the same moves out of him. I know he is confident and hopefully, this lights a bit of a fire under his ass to figure out how to add a variation or two to his portfolio. He has consistency but not enough variation and function to his surfing to really compete against Yari and as such he'll be relegated to slug it out for second place as long as YV is in the game.

In the end, Jay pushed Yari to the repo, where I struggled to get through with a 3rd in that heat, just outdoing some very nervous newcomer. But Yari? He knew it all along. He'd win. He always does. He can surf within himself and almost guarantee a win; he varies his surfing, both on the forehand and backhand enough to take down anyone. His surfing is functional, stylish and powerful. Even when he picked off the small insiders, when it seemed like he was panicking because he hadn't caught a wave with only 5 minutes left in the heat (Jay's heat), be he wasn't panicking, he knew that he'd do enough. That quick bottom-turn, that tail release, that snap. He's too good, he stands alone. Can he be beat? Certainly, they are 15 minute heats so anything can happen. Jay beat him in that heat with a close decision (1 judge had Yari winning), but is anyone better than him in our division? Absolutely not. Jay was excited after our finals heat, I did not see his waves, but I saw 2 of Yari's and from the back and I knew the competition was for 2nd place. At one point a right was coming for us (me and Yari) and he calmly asked if I wanted it, probably knowing that it did not matter. I was beaten; I had nothing left, so I just said "No" and watched him dismantle it. He was in the right spot but was willing to give it to me. Knowing that it was rightfully his, I could not say, "Yeah, I'll take that from you." I just couldn't and I didn't have anything left anyway. I'm surprised I got 5th to be honest. I'm very happy with my result to be certain.

Munsterman, Penning and Mezak are probably in the second tier. Wolfe is a wild card for certain. He could be at the bottom or the #2 guy on any given day. His surfing is powerful and probably more functional than anyone else's (he can make it around sections and link turns better than anyone). He saved Jason from getting a 6th place finish in the Open Men's with a nuclear meltdown. I don't know if it was drugs or what, but he just started snaking people. It made it entertaining to be sure! I'm down in the next tier, probably just me and Salick. My surfing is too erratic too all over the place to truly contend. Can I get lucky? Of course, I ride big gnarly as well as anyone out there, but that is not what wins these contests. Maybe a lucky heat with a barrel or something, I can win. That won't stop me from trying!!! I'll keep getting better, certainly I will, I'd like to be in the 2nd tier. Jay probably needs add a tailslide and a functional cutback to his bottom turn and blast / floater bag of tricks to get out of the second tier. The judges made it clear that 2 moves are not enough… Maybe Yari will lose interest. Maybe we'll get better when we are 40 and seniors. We are still kids, we are still dreaming, that keeps us young certainly… I almost certainly have to go to Morro Bay now. Suddenly, I cannot wait!

Monday morning.

Out of coffee and out of steam, I'm going to work, not the beach.

Mike is pretty awesome.

We ended up meeting in the final again, he placed 5th and me 3rd. That said, he surfed less than stellar. Wrong boards, bad wave selection, no flow; he was simply, out of rhythm with the ocean. Now, I'm not sure what the results from that event does for our overall standings, but I'm confident I can win on any given day.

I woke up early Sunday and met Elliott for eggs at Cappy's and then scored better than average River Jetties with only a handful of guys out. Two barrels and a few long rights into a Sunday and then straight back to bed. Six sessions the day before left me tired, sore and over surfing anymore than that.

Done.

Oh yeah.

Jason versus the volcano 28/29 - down 1

No surf today, I have to focus. I have to be in the right frame of mind for an epic showdown at Salt Creek. It is reading like a movie script, with the protagonist being the against-all-odds alcoholic making a surfing comeback. I, the antagonist have to do everything in my power to try and undermine the improbable comeback of our hero. I'm the spoiler. I'm underhanded and backstabbing. Crude, rude, tough and mean. None of the other peripheral characters know this, but you do, the movie goer, the reader, the hopeful onlooker. Even our hero takes me at face value, but then again, he can only see the good in people. He is completely blind to the underhanded tactics that the enemy is employing, it is just his personality, and it is the reason why you root for him. In the shadows, I lurk, doing everything I can to keep the unlikely from happening. It is up to me, to keep the alcoholic from making his heroic and historic run to the top of the leader board, stopping him dead in his tracks from doing something that will be passed down in surfing lore or in an against-all-odds sequel. That is why I won't surf today. To let my body rest, to be fit and ready for tomorrow, to do whatever it takes to stand in his way. I want to be Butler's Duke, the one that capsizes this Cinderella story. The big stage is set for what could be the final act in this epic drama. You see it is against all odds that our hero put down the bottle, that he stood up out of the gutter, dusted off and reconnected himself to his surfboard. Misstep after painful misstep, he somehow still sits within striking distance, and this is the hook, the drama that gets the viewer attached to the outcome of the story. It would be too easy if he were to exploit his talent from day 1 and dominate the scene like he should. He is our Tom Cruise, he should be at the top, but he'll have to get there by overcoming adversity. Were he secure in his dominance, the audience would lose the will to root for him. Missing the final by 1 wave because he didn't have a watch, forgetting to sign up for San Clemente, the nervous starts that garnered 2 last place finishes, if this was not enough, the story teller unleashes another curveball. It is the India subplot which is never really explained to the audience but looms large as an unsurpassable challenge making the reader want to concede; giving up on our hero is less painful than seeing him through to certain failure. Yes, it is almost certain that he will miss Salt Creek, he will not get the girl at the end of this feel good story. The writer wrestles with the script and struggles with scenarios that will keep him in the game. He smoked a little too much sticky green one night and he thought he had it! It would be, James Bondesque, he would charge to the planes emergency exit after it had already taken off and just as it passes over Salt Creek he would pop the emergency exit jumping out with his board and air surfing all the way down to the water just in time to make the contest. Realizing that this was a chemically induced lack of judgment, he had to go back to the drawing board. It has to be improbable, but believable. The simple randomness of the event has to be such that it creates this believability, falling under the "who could make that shit up" umbrella. Ready to go, ticketed, he is walking down the jetway to his plane, all is lost. But no! What's that? Muffled over the loud speaker, "…delayed…" Flights to Europe are delayed? What? Why? The transatlantic crossing that the Spirt of St. Louis is known for has been shut down due to Dante's Inferno rearing his ugly head on that frosty little island of Iceland! It is fitting that hell's wraith as Dante describes it is the representation. For it is the last of his nine circles of hell, that our hero will have to overcome to triumph. Yes, betrayal, the ninth, the worst of Dantes circles of hell; it is here, the symbolism that is being put forth to satisfy the writers desire for meaning over entertainment. This is the place where we lose most of the audience, but for the astute, the ones that want to get into to the mind of the storyteller, they do research and it is his hope that they realize depth of the symbolism that has been embraced to make a point. It is with these gimmicks that the writer hopes to catch a reviewers eye, and to make it a classic. It is his hope that this drama will not be forgotten, but be used to teach fundamental truths of good versus evil for generations to come. Our antagonist, the betrayer, has first been foiled by the angry Icelandic inferno and now he must create bolder more devious plans. This is where we are now. How will the next chapter play out? Will our hero win? Will the villain's tactics prevail?

This story and "In God’s Hands" are the best evidence for surfers to stay away from trying to be intellectual. This could easily contend for the title of worst production of all time, which “In God’s Hands” currently owns… At least this one is non-fiction.

Anyway, I'm ready to surf tomorrow, I feel pretty good, I'll pick Jay up at 5:30. Even without any drama, well have a fun day of surfing since at Salt Creek! That is why I'm not surfing today. Rest for multiple sessions tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it!

And just like that, I was going.

What a fucking day. Thick Magbar lefts with Aaron in the morning, then straight into the office for a cluster.

India email: unforeseen volcanic eruption in Iceland, UK closes its entire airspace to all but emergency flights because of the risk of the ash damaging planes' engines. All northern European flights have been canceled.

Then I read this on the BBC and just laugh.

"It is likely that the production of ash will continue at a comparable level for some days or weeks. But where it disrupts travel, that depends on the weather," Einar Kjartansson, a geophysicist at the Icelandic Meteorological Office, told the Associated Press.

India is now on unofficial hold and I'm officially silly. But whateves, just got tickets to the premier of this tonight at the Lido. Suck it.

Broken alchoholic or world champ?

Sumatra and cigarettes,
Sumatra and cigarettes.

It's 5:40 and I'm going to Magbar.

Surfing. Yay!

Jeff Olson fashion photog

http://www.olsonfoto.com/home

Picked up a new sponsorship.

Six Inches Deep Clothing. Here's a photo of the sweet new gear I'll be wearing. They gave me 7 of these babies. Look out ladies, this summer's gonna be so hot!

25/25 - got it done and it was fun...

Got a lot done this morning, including a surf.  Big windswell peaks, out of control and ended in the rain.  Not a person in the water except me.  I actually caught some fun ones, I think that is because I'm used to surfing shitty waves, which in this case, it wasn't that bad.  I would've stayed out if I didn't have to go to work.There was a rainbow out at sea for my whole 45 min session.

It rained all over my wetsuit and my gay parade.

Happy Monday, you chipper little Southern Californians!!!! It's high tide, back washy, blown out and cold out there this morning, yay!!!! Hunt-Ting-Ton, yay!!!!

Say it with me,
Hunt-Ting-Ton, Hunt-Ting-Ton, Hunt-Ting-Ton,

Yay!!!!

Hunt-Ting-Ton, Hunt-Ting-Ton, Hunt-Ting-Ton,

Yay!!!!

More like a truth cookie.

Never seen a fortune like this.

24/24 - so shitty today.

From the best day in the last 6 months to the worst.  Weather was cloudy and there was some wind on it.  I was a little hungover to boot.  I caught 6 waves though, it was still fun.  Nap now.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Through a friend of a friend, I met Jack. Yesterday I found myself riding in the back of his dad's SUV sitting next to him. We mostly communicated through the chat feature on Words as we played each other on the way down to Lowers. He told me he had a stash of rubbers that he got from Condom Revevolution and they'll be gone by summer if DakotaFuckAlot starts puttin' out, including the glow in the dark one. Jack's 13, and probably the coolest mother fucker on the planet.

23/23 - So good Today

Surfed Trestles with Jay, but for some reason he decided to surf san'o instead of uncrowded lowers. So good. Surfed for 4 hours until I buckled the nose of my board. The 3 buckle or major board trauma in 2 months...

I love this twitter shit - should be called peeper

This is a pic from Mick to Parko. Birthday Cake

Um... Pass the bong this way bro.

So Slater got tired of banging super models and groupies? That's what he's saying right? Well, maybe that's the secret...

Near the end, Mick defeated Taj and Kelly defeated Bobby Tom Curren defeated Occy and then Kelly defeated Mick by completing an unnatural and very immortal air on a busted foot. His board came unstuck from his busted foot as he went straight into the sky. His board pointed back down at the zenith of the aerial and he crashed into certain wipeout. He twisted and turned in the whitewash eventually popping straight up and looking toward the heavens. Rain poured forth from them on to us both. This gratified me and I will tell you of an odd occurrence. The surfer is polygamous as a human animal, but occasionally an individual is found that is monogamous. Sometimes a surfer on tour will come to so care for one of the thousands of women scattered around that he will make no case for all the others and will only have to do with her and she will refuse to leave his side in Torquay or Brazil or South Africa or France. When this occurs the surfer’s friends try to remove the woman from their group and if the surfer does not return to polygamy he is sent with the other married surfers toward early bedtimes and not drinking alcohol and social death. If you find that a sad story know this, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true story teller who would keep that from you. - Charlie Smith

My favorite surfer and the best of all time, but… 22/22

it still needs to be said. Yeah we know you dinged up your foot. Yeah, I'm sure you felt it, I'm sure it hurt. Dude, don't be a drama queen! You don't need to limp down the beach and then pull massive turn after massive turn and then limp back onto the sand to demonstrate how heroic you are. "I don't care if my foot falls off I'm still surfing, haha (smile)" ? You are not pulling some dude out of a trench in Afghanistan and saving his life, you are surfing. One time I put duct tape over my stitches on my stomach so that I could surf, I think I should've gotten a medal for that one, especially because I wasn't getting paid to surf…

Maybe people like these "overcoming the odds" stories, but I'm over it. Parko jacked his ankle last year and it cost him the world title, I didn't hear shit out of him. Maybe he was saying it, but I just didn't hear him making excuses. Kelly, you won the f'ing contest dude...

By-the-way, I had a good surf this morning. Wind swell, so fun.

Blow me - add 1 then - 21/21 for me

I double-seshed yesterday afternoon. It may as well have been a triple sesh because I stayed out for like 2 1/2 hours. Shit, I caught some good waves. Shit, I was en fuego. I guess I have been watching too much of that contest cuz I was surfing like that. Porto is a lot like Winki, Indo, Tavi and J-Bay all in one, just a little better.

I surfed this morning, but I could not get up so I only had time for like 4 waves - so tired, which makes 21 in 21 - back on par. Maybe a double today? Doubt it, I'm tired, but I won't rule it out with the weather we are having.

Jay, I'll still root for you in your repo heat to meet me in the final...

Countardula, you're off.

We started three weeks ago on a Friday, which makes today 21, but whatever, that still doesn't change the fact that I won't be in Paris this evening, which means big problems for you, Olson. Now you can't just skate through Salt Creek carelessly like you do with your counting.

Hot air cold water

Damn it looks good out there.

I'll be even after this sesh... I can wait to take apart some
springtime wedges!

Buy American... Mazda

18/19 - That's 18 Seshy's in 19 Days - down 1

Yeah, feeling it. Opening it up a little, finding a frontside bottom turn at age 37... It is nice. Had some solid ones out there today. I'm feeling confident, I hope it continues cuz I want to go into the creek pumped! Jay needs to get his priorities right... Tom get your shit together, you need to get on tour and battle. Jay said you were surfing well at Trestles... You'd roll through those heats if you can put away your nerves.

By-the-way, I'm pretty sure I'll get an Arvo in today since the weather is nice and I'll be back in step. Yeah!

He never was good with numbers...

That's why he is just to the right of a football bat making post cards...

Stop wasting time looking at my old posts, ditch India, and let's go head-to-head at Salt Creek you homo.

My accounting is correct you shithead. I had a double sesh on that Friday, even though I posted it on Saturday.

El Porto Financial Analyst Bad With Numbers.

Saturday, March 27 the count was blogged and marked as day by Olson, as being day 8, when in fact it was day 9. The integrity of the blog is now in question and under investigation by Google and Blogger. Thanks Olson, looks like we're starting over.

Newland Power Planet. Day 1, Session 1.

Why?

Are you changing the discription on the blog? Trying to make it perfect? Did you get a cam for India? Do you have that backhand 12 o'clock snap like I do? I prefer Burrow to Mahal, have fun with the later - we'll miss you.

Groundhogs day? - No booties 17/18

I guess Jay's balls saw thier shadows. The porto parking lot is designed to inflict pain on frozen feet. It did this morning.

It was solid out there and I'm out of boards, down to the kompressor. The wrong board out there for sure, but what can I do? Had some good turns none-the-less. Getting in comp form, working on scoring points. I had a heat winner this morning... I can't wait.

El Nino means retracted testicle in Spanish.

As in, "the little one." Yep, its an El Nino year, I can tell by the size of my balls. Usually this time of year the water is warmer, saltier and bouyiant, letting my balls float about the sea. But that hasn't happened yet, my balls are still in hibernation, tucking themselves deep inside my gut hiding from the cold water. This is also known as, "freezing balls."

In response to Surfers and Ladies...

I'm behind now - 16/17

Unless I go this arvo. Doubt it. Rainy day.

India happens.

And wouldn't you know, so does rain, both valid reasons for me to find myself choosing to stay home this morning and take care of things before I leave on Thursday. If I've planned everything right, I'll be leaving the country only two sessions down but returning with more than 20 to make up to reach even.

Jesus always paddles out on Sunday.

Everyone knows that. All the savages and damned stay out late partying on Saturday, so Sunday morning is reserved for Him and His children. And I am one, blessed with wedgie doubled up drainers. Awe shiiit, Salt Creek; God's Country.

15 in 16. This is getting awesome.

Uppers yesterday, Creek now.

It's Easter, it's early and it's totally not a good day to run out of coffee. This is gonna suck way more than it usually does.

Surfing doesn't get the ladies.

Anyone who's anyone, knows that chicks dig surfers. I mean let's face it, they're hot, with their bronzed ripped abs and radical forearm tats. But those aren't the ones I'm talking about. Those guys are smart. I'm talking about the imbecile who gets up at the crack, drives his car down to ocean, puts on a damp wetsuit on and paddles his sorry ass into the frigid bowels of the pacific to get three waves because he made a pact with his equally idiotic surfing friend to do just that.

That guy, he doesn't get the ladies. Not him. He gets three waves while the real surfers sleep in with their super hot warm girlfriends.

14/15. Suck it.

15/15 - Good Friday - so good!

Last years post:

http://portosurf.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-23-good-friday-and-i-mean-good.html

It was really good today.  The only problem is that it was so consistent once you caught a wave it was a fight to get back out.  Anyway, I surfed for a long time on this Good Friday like last year.  I got thumped over and over for sure.  I was thrown to the bottom multiple times, most of which included me holding onto my board as a result of a duck dive.  But the payoff was a barrel fest.  I got tons of barrels but only came out of 2.  So fun, so good.

Last night makes 13 in 14.

And I gotta say, that picture of Tahoe looks a little better than what I've been getting this week. Yesterday was so bad that I was the only guy in the water. I was actually a little embarrassed to be out there. That said, I still had fun.

Surfing this week has been kind of like that fat girl joke, it's fun getting some, but you just don't want your friends to see you doing it.

Yesterday was 14/14

It was out of control.  I was the only one out.  I made it outside somehow and then got stuck in a rip that sent me out to sea.  I was able to paddle out of that back into the line up to immediately get cleaned up by a bomb set.  Some how I got 3 waves in about 45 minutes, but it was not easy.  Glad I did it though.

The next time I think it's hard to surf...

I'll look at this photo.  Tom sent it yesterday.  It is from Tahoe on Monday.  You have to be pretty hardcore...

I cannot begin to explain...

To you how bad this is going to suck. Super consistent, windy, big and
cold. My back hurts and i'm tired. Play a violin for me please.